this is my space to bitch and moan, when perhaps sometimes i shouldn't, i should know better, but so what? i'm not a happy chappy. (yeah, yeah dad, i know chappy is not a real word, but i'm using my poetic license)

so down below i will gradually build up a selection of my thoughts from time to time, when i feel a need to express them out loud. the first one on guys, however, will remain on this page unlike the dated ones, because i can't remember the date i wrote it, silly me...

Its now the 30th of May 2002.

Today’s date is the 26th of May 2002. Its not quite 2am and I’ve just got home from work. I’m not sure whether or not this will ever make it to the net, for which is the purpose for my writing it. But I’ve decided that I need to get these feelings out there, well at least to some extent. I’m sure the “real” people in my life at the moment are just sick of hearing about it, and surely they have enough of their own problems to worry about. It’s just that time of the year.

To tell the truth I’m absolutely gutted. Gutted that I am ‘stuck’ (using this term loosely) here in Wellington, doing my stupid design degree, while this perfect guy has moved down to Queenstown to snowboard for the Ski Season.

Have I completely lost you? Okay, let me start from a relative beginning. Sometime in February this year a young English guy started working at my work, a traveller on his OE. Sure he was cute, but he wasn’t really my type. He was fun, we played I Spy, when it got quiet…anyway that’s beside the point. One night we got drunk at a friend’s and ended up, hooking up.

The relationship, if I could even call it that, that we had was not so conventional, I think basically it was because we both knew this wasn’t going to be a permanent thing, because he would inevitably be moving on, eventually. And as if I was going to be stupid enough to fall for a guy I wasn’t going to get. And I’m assuming that it was the same kind of thing going on in his head.

So over the last few months we’d mainly see each other in the weekend, when we were out on the piss. Perhaps not the ideal situation, but it was fun nonetheless.
However as the time drew closer, when he was actually going to leave Wellington, he seemed to spend more time with me, and this included times when we were not drunk.

We had a ‘leaving drinks night’ and that was fine, we had a ‘leaving dinner’ and that was fine, I took him to where he needed to be picked up by the Kiwi Experience bus (Fucking Kiwi Experience) and that was not quite so fine. He hopped on the bus. And it still hadn’t really hit. I got in my car. And that’s when the shit hit the fan. Well shit!
I wasn’t going to show any emotion in front of him and god knows how many others, was I? What kind of stupid do you take me for?
It’s been five days now. And I don’t know if this is just something that was great, and that’s all it ever was and is going to be, or if there’s going to be more…?
I mean all in all, its just another guy. I’ve probably been more heartbroken before. I’ve gotten over them all. Why should this be any different, in fact I only knew him for a short period of time, so do my feelings really count, or are they just superficial? Is it just an idea of a feeling that I’m yearning to have? Or is it real?
Ultimately I’m a 20-year-old design student, that has another 1 and a half years to go of a four year degree. And I can’t really afford to give it up on a whim, and he has been through all that, now experiencing the world, which is something I can’t really compete with.

Fuck life sucks.

And what makes the whole situation suck even more, is that I am surrounded in people and places and everything that contains bits and pieces of memories of times I’ve spent with him, yet he got to step right into another world. A world of 30+ other travellers to get drunk with, to hook up with to have fun with.
To forget about me with.

What a selfish thought that was.

I just miss him. And that makes me feel pathetic.


P.S God forbid that Scott ever reads this, I’m not an English wizz, I’m a design student.